Considering I'm a wordsmith to the marrow of my bones, I find some words (read: most) utterly confusing (this does not apply to words like "smoothie", "waffles" and "trampolining"). Relax is one of those words and joins "epistemology" and "heuristics" except it's a word we all bandy about, like love, and yet no-one really knows what the h-ll anyone really means. An inelegant mind invented 'chillax' in the attempt that hybridisng would somehow tether this levitating verb to sense. So when I declared to myself some much-needed winter down time, to relax, it clanged about pleasantly in the duller chasms of my mind; it was all such a lovely lightly fizzing feeling until I had to decide what relaxing looks like.
I began, like Pooh, at the beginning, and cut out the basics. Stopped working for a bit. Phew. No more early starts, yay! What next? Avoid confusing jargon and communication that ends in chin wobbles/ tears. Done. Er Somehow. Let's pretend so I can tick it off my Relaxation list. Next imaginary rule for R&R is sleep more. Hmm. Not easy. To be fair, 11-7 is a hefty 8 hours. Even 12-8 is the same, which surprises me. Do I need regular 12 hour aviation-induced death sleeps in order to prove that I am in fact relaxed? I'm already getting confused. OK what next. Forget the gym - stay in, read and gaily eat snacks. Mhm. That's weird and won't work. I actually love the gym. And I can't pack carbs or protein shakes in like the meathead gym guys do. Or stuff myself with Papa Johns and doughnuts while watching Love Island. Gross. I'm a lily that eats only when I is hungry. OK, decided - go to the gym but r e l a x. OK. There's a sauna there - that's relaxing. That's what rich people do in films. I'll watch more films for inspiration!
I watch Legally Blonde. It is amazing. Elle Woods is still my hero. I would have watched Clueless but it was £7.99 on Netflix. Extortion is not relaxing. How does Elle Woods relax? She mostly visits nail bars. I'm a 38 year old man with 'he/him' pronouns so that's less relaxing, more humiliating. She then trains to be a lawyer. OK this isn't working. Kim Kardashian is also training to be a lawyer! She seems relaxed and the secret to her planetary derriere may be that she sits on it a lot. I tune in on her IG story. She's going to the gym at 5.30am. She has 5 kids. She runs a clothing business. She appears on at least 2 continents simultaneously mostly on the beach or naked in a mirror with flesh coloured hugging suits. I am deeply confused.
This needs more investigation. Who relaxes?? The RETIRED! The silver crowd! That's it! What do they do? I visit cafes to observe their natural habitat. Anthropology training kicks in.
They are incredibly slow moving. Their plates are full of carbs and they drink dainty beige bowls of tea. Their hair is wispy, large and powerful-looking and they smell nice. They wear lovely shades of grey and other complementary pastels. They look warm. Their cheeks are soft-looking. They go to pilates classes at the church hall and laugh softly at the teacher's semi-risque suggestions and they are flexible but tortoise-ian in how they arrive at a posture. I'm learning. They look kind. They have Land Rovers. They are speaking to each other rather than updating their statuses and improving their IG stories; their gaze upon their device is of disapproval. Hmph. Note to self - my sample size was small. Too late.
Land Rovers. Power hair. Second helpings of cake. I gotta get rich to relax. I get to it. I watch and listen to influencers. I get aligned. No more gloomy chasms. I read the news. I get smart again. No dumbing down for me. Nah. I'm woke. Or awakening. I answer my emails. I phone, no - visit everyone who can help my re-green and steward the planet. I know my mission! I eat just twice a day - save the land! Who has time to eat 3 times?? I avoid eating whales and insects. I'm declare across my media channels that I am Vegan with a capital V. All 5 followers respect me and push away their burgers. I up the ante with exercise especially concentrating on the finger strength so I can blast out at least 26 emails in less than 3.5 minutes that are professional and Seriously Show my Involvement in every aspect of life. Take me seriously, they scream. I sleep 4 hours a night. I even get the garden looking better. I regularly wield a log-splitter and bare my teeth as the neighbours pass. I am the top of my tree (is that an expression?). I rip weeds from the garden and bung them in my epic smoothies. I buy new shirts to house my inflating physique. I'm a boss. My legs ache from the bench press. My neck aches from humped over my laptop, and the axe. My ankles ache from walking to appointments like a boss. I need a physiotherapist. I need a spa day. I need a swanky hotel. I look at cruises. I wonder about sabbaticals. But I can't afford my own rates. My mum offers me a free holiday in Spain and offers to do my laundry. Maybe then I can relax.
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