Important Dates

An echo bounces in a tunnel of yesterday from 1989

Somehow, 2 or a million years ago – March, wasn’t it?

Soon you won’t recognise me because you didn’t really look;

Your face suddenly vacant and animal-like

Beneath a ladder to Act III, the poppies watch and listen

Blood red, small, harmless and violent.

I didn’t sleep well last night

On the wall I nearly fell off

You were too close, orbiting and perplexed

Lips dry like rings of ice

We needed that damp late-Winter earth

To ground us, to saturate everything in colour then remind us

of honesty and the necessities.

They were expecting the crescendo and your private story

Revealed. All we had to do was show up

As the sky, trees and flowers stood there

beautiful, deaf and dumb, the seasons

played chess with the constellations

The strings, the wind section, the colours

Moistened by loyal promises of Spring

And all I could do, flower-like

Was allow everything to flow from my eyes as

The path let us walk, and the brooms asked to be made

And the date allowed us to taste

As I trembled, blaming a chill in the early-Spring air.

Nothing does matter, we both concluded

As we were given a glimpse of something

Much bigger, much wiser then

We’d like to think we are

1,000 years ago, the brilliance of the gravity we lay in

Was already taken.

We almost looked at each other again like

Strangers in the grass, a green butter staining my lips

A peculiar lunch with a hungry stranger beside me

An absent-minded friend, a brother, lover

For whom bristled kisses are brand new and brushed

Away like yesterday’s crumbs.

Nil By Mouth

After feeling so good on the last fast, I decided to notch it up to 48 hours for Lent. Since being introduced to the effect of lunar cycles and their effect on us (used in traditional farming as well as biodynamic horticulture), I’ve been curious about how they can affect our every day lives, if at all.

Today’s New Moon, a time of waning energy and considered to be a great time to start new ventures and projects, inspired me to take time out from work, relax and just see what happened without expectations, to-do lists or judgements about how much time I may or may not spent in my bed. This is much more difficult than I’d anticipated. Surely, I needed some rules…about maybe having a digital detox at the same time? What would I drink? Fresh ginger tea worked really well and, as you can see from this post, a digital detox didn’t really. My world really changed when I bought my laptop 2 years ago. I even gave him a name and we go everywhere together – it’s my library, my study time, my phone (I don’t have a mobile) and my connection to friends and family. Hugh is the source of all power! Er, back to fasting…

It was also important to me to not think of these days as my fasting days – fasting was incidental to having time to myself. We all know that the moment anything is forbidden, the more you are inclined to fixate on it. I wanted to just let the day flow and not get bogged down with feeling obligated to fill my room with candles, panpipes or whalesong and some violent form of breathing. Without any rules, I was apprehensive. To-do lists are my saline drip.

For a long time, I’ve dreamt of the joy of not having to make a meal every day since I always tried to cook from scratch. I loved working in cafés because I’d get a nice hot meal after my shift. Finally, at Sunseed, the dream has come true - the communal aspect of living is the knight on shining grills and means we all eat twice a day and only have to cook once, or twice a week. Joy! But like all dreams, they are soon popped by reality’s brutal needle.

I’ve been eating like a King since I arrived with good and hearty meals and in the winter, we  usually have two cooked meals a day. With constant access to delicious, wholesome food and leftovers, it can be really difficult to have some self-discipline. We eat very well and only have a pudding once a week, but it’s still possible to eat more than I need. Being used to cooking for one at home, I’d never really consider seconds; that would be tomorrow’s lunch. And when the kitchen starts to become the communal hub of activity and occasional raves, a cheeky snack makes everything slip down a little more sweetly.

I’ve never been fat. Since 1999, with the exception of working full-time in an ice cream one very rainy summer, I’ve always weighed 68 kilograms and longed for a few extra pounds. I’ve always exercised in one way or another, so I’m in no way resembling a galactic black hole of appetite, awaiting a strong enough  air-lift to save me from myself by wiring up my jaw. No. But I do think, at any size and age, many of us can benefit from putting food in its place – eating when we’re actually hungry, not when we’re anxious, bored, uncertain what to do next, in the kitchen or because other people are. The last one’s pretty hard – we fundamentally want to belong and find our tribe. Express your emotions in a journal, book a therapist but leave the cheese, biscuits or [insert favourite food] alone. The truth is for most people who are able to access the net and read this blog, we’d have to try hard to starve.

 I absolutely and utterly love food. If there was a job which wasn’t drenched in shame where I could eat for most of the day, I would gladly send off my CV. If I have too much cash on me in a supermarket, I get a similar feeling – the shiny packets, the colours, the organisation of the shelves and the recipe shares..omg it’s all so joyous and wonderful. Waitrose is my very own Willy Wonka.

But what a bonkers situation. Having worked with producers and seen the provenance of many of these ingredients, I’m always reminded of the tremendous amounts of work that have gone into even the simplest bunch of carrots. And while there’s no use being too literal about the world and its things (because it is bonkers and needn’t be figured out), it’s nice to opt out every now and again to get perspective. On my fast day, I can get hungry. I get over it.

It’s no easy ride – sometimes, I get a real buzzy glow and I feel so much energy, I spend a lot of the day with my favourite music on, dancing around and singing. This time wasn’t like that. I felt quiet and asked myself questions about where I’m up to, how happy I am in my life and what my next step is. I watched a lovely film and read a book about Jung’s archetypes which I regretted. I studied and loved what I’m learning about biomechanics. I felt uncomfortable, ugly this morning, cold if I wasn’t careful and  I watched all this  -wondering what to make of it and if I like the way I was treating myself, if I could step out of my own way. Being kind to oneself is hard.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to eating in an hour or so. But 48 hours has taught me a lot about time wasted and minutes filled by filling my mouth rather than my life with much more important and nourishing things.

Everything Reminds Me Of You

for Jenny and Josi

I forgot to look out of the window

It was raining

And the puddles were black eyes on the ground

It reminded me of you

And I felt sad

I remembered that grass grows on wet fields

I was sitting on you

And you smiled as a harmonica played

I thought of you

As I saw your eyes

I was a piano on the train today

I was playing

All the melodies I knew because I was a bird

That knew I wanted to remember you

Everything reminds me of you

The plaited hair of children and the

Swing of a hat on its stand

Today when I ran and my muscles ached

I thought of you and the fibres in me ripped and grew

And I was reminded of you

Sunset Boulevard

Lyrics from "As If We Never Said Goodbye"

"M" is for Musicals - this is tragic name that I came up with for an as-yet non-existent blog in which I present what I've learnt about one musical per week and practice various singing techniques from the trickiest songs. Ambitious, much, and all because I can't get too of the loveliest songs I've heard out of my mind - "Send In The Clowns" and "As If We Never Said Goodbye". So far, all that has been invented is earworms for everyone around me. Sorry about that!

So far I've learnt that "Send In The Clowns" was written by Stephen Sondheim and featured in "A Little Night Music", a film I'm eagerly waiting to see. "As If We Never Said Goodbye" I only came across when on holiday in Sitges a few months ago. In a tiny bar in the backstreets, we all huddled in to watch Ria Jones' interpretation of the lead character, Norma Desmond, and her tragic hit from Sunset Boulevard. The film, made in 1950 and now a musical, is now considered one of the greatest American films of all time. My list of classics is getting longer and, alas, another Sunday has passed without me having struck any from the list.

This weekend, I've mostly found myself harassing the eardrums of my family at their lovely apartment near Murcia as I take a much-needed break from work. I've been at Sunseed now for a mostly-blissful 6 months but as the nights draw in and the sun creeps ever lower behind the looming mountains, the valley's becoming increasingly hostile to the near-nakedness I managed the whole summer; I've worn no socks and barely done any washing as it has mostly been too hot for anything other than dreams of ice cubes and gelato.

With my shrinking comfort (and warmth) zone, I'm working extra hard to remember my intentions, my values, my beliefs and my actual self. Learning songs from musicals, learning dances from the latest R&B videos and Indian Head Massages are definitely some key ingredients. Another important constant in the crazy equation of [{J(oy) & Ex(citement) 4 Everything} = N0thing D0ne] is a fruit and vegetable fast at the weekend. I've done it for most of the weeks I've been away and missed it terribly when I haven't. Even today when hot churros were tantalizing my nostrils, I found the strength in grapes, cucumber and dates to keep me going until 24 hours was up. During the fast, I find a supreme calmness in my thoughts, a steadiness in my mood and my mind feels as if it's been unplugged for a bit. Helping me on the way in the hotel complex is a sauna, a steam room, a pool as well as a private shower and bath (this may all sound quite normal to non-Sunseeders - apologies!) and in all of them, a very content version of me.

I've challenged many aspects of myself this year, some of which may seem miniscule to some - I have barely washed, and when I have it's been without soap in a very cold (and beautiful) river; I have eaten vast amounts of aubergines without complaining (I have never been so cosy with the Deadly Nightshade family and I still don't know what the fuss is about); I have never listened to the radio or any music when driving the van (except maybe once); I have squatted for every loo trip; my hair hasn't been washed for nearly 2 months (with a very nasty-looking comb to prove it); recently I've slept in the fleece that also keeps me toasty during the day (Grossville, Population 1 - You'll Never Leave!) and I brushed off from my shoulder the biggest spider on earth* (*unofficial measurement). Oh, and I haven't been to the cinema since January and I'm a complete film buff (I hear you - First World Problems).

So, this afternoon, not only was my microbiome was in for an extreme makeover but my dormant Westernised self was awoken from its quilted cinematic pupa to the sound of BBC Prom and Judy Dench's "Send In The Clowns". I have neglected small but gem-like parts of my personality that can still have a place in a low-impact project and sustainable lifestyle. I will never be the scruffy peak oil renouncing hippy who rejects all possessions in the name of the Great Mother - as a child, nothing would delight me more than flailing around to Motown, finding matching trousers or polished shoes and riding on trains. No amount of goji berry and chia seed smoothies will change these facts. I love the world in every one of its qualities and each one is defined by the eyes through which I see - there are no solid truths and right or wrong ways of appreciation. We are who we always were and will be... and when we remember that - everything's as if we never said goodbye.

Prime Time

Ain't Nobody Peeking But The Stars Above

titles and lyrics from Janelle Monaé's ''Primetime'' feat. Miguel

07h30 Breakfast: Fresh figs and blackberries from the garden, local honey, porridge (!), local watermelon and ginger tea
10h30 Tomato salad with caperberries (grown here)
14h00 Almond and chocolate triangle freshly baked from the local panaderia
20h00 More figs, soft cheese with garlic, salad, polenta, courgettes


Mid-August, almost 3 months into my new role here in a unique and beautiful wetland region of the semi-arid environment of Almería and all is... lovely. The Full Moon last weekend was a great chance for my pimped Forest School class (currently entitled Nature Dance but a work in progress!) to take place, bathed in the briny-yellow light of the moon at the mirador here in Los Molinos dancing around to Bjork's Moon. I was delighted that so many took part and enjoyed it so much. It shows me how necessary that time together and alone is with the natural world is because it's just soooooo endlessly beautiful. Some nights, I can't stop staring, attempting to somehow photographically imprint the memory in my mind although I doubt I'll easily forget it. How ridiculous! I've no doubt the sun will sear all these things in my brain.

The soap we made almost 6 weeks ago is ready on Thursday and I can't wait to see if it works. We have grand plans with other oils we've infused with herbs and flowers from the garden - we have to perfect the process first. A second batch is also curing so the workshop stinks of soap! The process is so simple so all my family will be getting soap for Christmas. Sorry!

I spent last weekend visiting Las Salinas in Cabo de Gata to see the flamingoes who visit there briefly. Shortly after, we headed to the beach and I went snorkelling, discovering all kinds of crazy coloured fish and underwater forests. Despite the super saltiness of the water and its dissolving my eyes, I had a wondrous time! This Friday is Bank Holiday in Spain and so far I've heard rumours that it's an excuse to throw pastries at each other. It sounds hilarious, if a little wasteful. I have so much forest school work to complete for the hand-in on Monday so I might have to give it a miss.

This is probably one of the dullest posts I've written so I'm sorry if you've read up til this far! Maybe this way of life has chilled me out far too much - the struggle to get somewhere has disintegrated and left the simple pleasure of enjoying the moment. I'm in unique circumstances and I'm determined to make the most of it, learning, growing, rolling with the, er, siestas.